Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just gargled with NyQuil
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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