your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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