im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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