hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
