Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
