barbara walters just said penis...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
