yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
