I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize