And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
