When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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