Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
