carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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