Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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