I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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