I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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