my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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