I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
