Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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