our cab driver is having phone sex.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
