Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My liver just had a heart attack.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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