I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
