i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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