I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
