I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
