I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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