Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
