You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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