I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
