She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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