where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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