I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
a search helicopter?!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
