the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
