I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
