The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I am one with the molecules
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
