yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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