The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
