Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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