you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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