She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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