woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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