Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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