god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
