I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
