If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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