If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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