so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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