Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
