i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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