I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
