Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize