I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
