My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
