i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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