I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
