First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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