I molested 6 butterflies tonight
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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