i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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