I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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