Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
